I Have a Confession…

So, last week, I was not really living out freedom, satisfaction, and abundance.

I found myself swallowed in fear, anxiety, doubt, depression, and honestly, came to moments I questioned my sanity.

One day last week, I even had a meltdown…one of major proportions.

Anger, anxiety, and self-hatred like I hadn’t felt in a long, long while surged through me, as the reality of a bleak situation hit me all at once.

With this sinking reality, another feeling hit: abandonment. I am embarrassed to admit that after all I have been through and overcome, I felt God had essentially left me to the devices of my brokenness and misery.

You see, in these moments of overwhelming emotions, I understand the kiddos who I work with. They are unable to control themselves, feeling completely overtaken by emotion and circumstances. Emotions too big to be contained in little (or big) bodies…

On this day, I cried, I screamed, I tensed & clenched to avoid patterns of the long forgotten past.

I wailed at God: where is He in this? Why is He being silent? Why hasn’t He stepped in? I don’t see Him. I don’t feel Him. I feel utterly abandoned to the situation…

I threw my Bible & journal across the room in a burst of angry energy.

All of this was followed by sobs & asking God to remember me, as He has so many times in the past. Reminding myself that He’s still God & still in control. Weeping, I asked Him to help me in my unbelief.

I still don’t know how the situation is going to turn out…and it took several days after that meltdown to begin to live in my freedom & satisfaction & confidence again.

But, I learned long ago that God can handle my anger just fine. He can handle my fear, my anxiety, my questions. I know I won’t be scorned or punished. But, the fact is, my relationship with Him can only be repaired if that explosion of emotional energy – the wailing in anger, hyperventilating in panic, the tears of sadness/depression – only if all of that collapses into moments of sincere recoil & acknowledgement of His strength in my weakness. Moments of asking for Grace. Moments of melting into the truth: of who I am, whose I am, and the role I play.

Just like David in some of the Psalms, especially Psalm 22, as long as my anger melts into sincere praise & acknowledgement of who God is & who I am, God’s got me covered. Our relationship can be repaired and move forward. He can continue to hold me in my brokenness.

Unfortunately, I still have moments where my feelings say I’m abandoned, but I know those are untruths. Those moments do not show reality, merely what I am perceiving in the moment.

I still honestly have no idea of the outcome – and other circumstances and solutions have come to light – but through it all, what I am confident of is that God has a plan for all of it, and in the end, it will all be for His Glory.

Have you ever had moments like these? What got you through? I believe overcoming moments & seasons like this help us to truly live in freedom, abundance, & satisfaction as we are more secure in who we are, who He is, and what our role is.