I Have a Confession…


So, last week, I was not really living out freedom, satisfaction, and abundance.

I found myself swallowed in fear, anxiety, doubt, depression, and honestly, came to moments I questioned my sanity.

One day last week, I even had a meltdown…one of major proportions.

Anger, anxiety, and self-hatred like I hadn’t felt in a long, long while surged through me, as the reality of a bleak situation hit me all at once.

With this sinking reality, another feeling hit: abandonment. I am embarrassed to admit that after all I have been through and overcome, I felt God had essentially left me to the devices of my brokenness and misery.

You see, in these moments of overwhelming emotions, I understand the kiddos who I work with. They are unable to control themselves, feeling completely overtaken by emotion and circumstances. Emotions too big to be contained in little (or big) bodies…

On this day, I cried, I screamed, I tensed & clenched to avoid patterns of the long forgotten past.

I wailed at God: where is He in this? Why is He being silent? Why hasn’t He stepped in? I don’t see Him. I don’t feel Him. I feel utterly abandoned to the situation…

I threw my Bible & journal across the room in a burst of angry energy.

All of this was followed by sobs & asking God to remember me, as He has so many times in the past. Reminding myself that He’s still God & still in control. Weeping, I asked Him to help me in my unbelief.

I still don’t know how the situation is going to turn out…and it took several days after that meltdown to begin to live in my freedom & satisfaction & confidence again.

But, I learned long ago that God can handle my anger just fine. He can handle my fear, my anxiety, my questions. I know I won’t be scorned or punished. But, the fact is, my relationship with Him can only be repaired if that explosion of emotional energy – the wailing in anger, hyperventilating in panic, the tears of sadness/depression – only if all of that collapses into moments of sincere recoil & acknowledgement of His strength in my weakness. Moments of asking for Grace. Moments of melting into the truth: of who I am, whose I am, and the role I play.

Just like David in some of the Psalms, especially Psalm 22, as long as my anger melts into sincere praise & acknowledgement of who God is & who I am, God’s got me covered. Our relationship can be repaired and move forward. He can continue to hold me in my brokenness.

Unfortunately, I still have moments where my feelings say I’m abandoned, but I know those are untruths. Those moments do not show reality, merely what I am perceiving in the moment.

I still honestly have no idea of the outcome – and other circumstances and solutions have come to light – but through it all, what I am confident of is that God has a plan for all of it, and in the end, it will all be for His Glory.

Have you ever had moments like these? What got you through? I believe overcoming moments & seasons like this help us to truly live in freedom, abundance, & satisfaction as we are more secure in who we are, who He is, and what our role is.

3 thoughts on “I Have a Confession…

  1. Thank you Candice Jenee’​​ for your honesty & vulnerability in sharing your struggles along life’s journey. I’ve been there too, in the not-so-distant past. It helps to know that we’re not alone even when our feelings are overwhelming, that God is truth & light speaking in the darkness and He is our healer. What helps me is listening to worship or meditation music, like classical symphonies or piano pieces— and favorites “Healer” by Kari Jobe, “Stronger”&”Overcomer” by Mandisa, “Voice of Truth”& “Praise You in this Storm” &“Thrive” by Casting Crowns, “Hold Me Jesus” & “Lord You’re Beautiful” by Rebecca St James. Sometimes going for a walk or a run or ripping up old newspapers/ junk mail helps me get through my negative feelings & nervous energy. Sometimes I’ve asked a family member or my husband for a big hug to help calm me down. (Though if I’m too overloaded that doesn’t help. *Sigh*) Other times petting a sweet critter like my family’s cat or a friend’s dog has helped me relax a bit.
    Sorry this post is long. Thanks for your blog, I needed to the encouragement when I read your story today.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart.; I am so proud of you! I am thankful that God understands us, that HE knows us so well that when we rage, when we question, when we cry and stress HE understands. His love is unconditional, and HE is still standing there beside us. I am praying for you, my beautiful, smart, talented, wonderful baby girl!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s