Quiet Ache

Many days, being single is no big deal for me. Actually, it’s kind of nice.

I love that I get to fill my school and work schedule, and spend time on my friends and family, without thinking I am neglecting someone. I can pick up and go on a weekend trip, or a trip to Oklahoma, or just disappear for a day without checking in with anyone.

The time on my own has taught me how to take care of myself. I know how to fix toilets, kill spiders, catch lizards. I can clean, cook, pay my bills.

Being single has given me a chance to develop my hobbies, like writing and painting (again, without worrying my alone time is neglecting someone else). It gives me the amazing opportunities to chase my dreams and focus on what I need to do to make those dreams come true.

I get to spend my time, money, and energy on me (selfish, I know, but it is kinda fun & freeing).

Above all, being single has given me a lot of time to build my relationship with Christ. I focus on living a life that is Christ-centered and pleasing to Him, rather than a life that will be pleasing to a guy. I get to learn to love myself the way Christ loves me, not relying on the love of a guy, which may not always be steady.

Most of the time, this is great for me. I’m really good at being single. And, as I’ve said before, though I make jokes about “chronic singleness”, I actually find it extremely enjoyable.

At least, that’s how I feel most of the time.

But, occasionally, in quite hours of the day/night, my heart aches quietly. I ache for someone I don’t even know yet. I desire the friendship, the love, the passion.

My heart cries, “Something’s missing…” and “why am I not wanted, not pursued?“

In some quiet moments, the dull ache stirs.

I know I’m not alone. I know many have felt it at one time or another.

But, we try to hide it, scared that we want so much. Embarrassed at our desire for intimacy with another. Some, ashamed that maybe, just maybe, God doesn’t feel like enough.

That’s how I felt this afternoon. The dull ache returned. A desire for that best friend. A desire for the love. A desire for the intimacy. A desire for the one who will push me to step slightly outside of my comfort zone (and who I will trust so completely, I will be willing to do so). A desire for a ministry partner. A desire for a man who will encourage & bolster my walk with God.

A desire for – I’ll admit it – a husband. Not just a first date or first kiss. A husband. A love.

The man to whom I can be ‘ezer (Genesis 2:18).

The ache is there. It is real for many of us. Whether we’ve been on 0 dates or 1000 dates. The desire is in us.

The question is, what do we do with it?

Today, I turned it back to God & let Him soften it. Peace filled in to take it’s place.

I know the ache will return, but I’ll just give it over to Him again;

Until the prayer is answered and the hope is fulfilled.