motherhood reveals brokenness

The last few years have really played a big role in revealing and redefining who I am. There was a lot I thought I already knew about myself, and a lot I thought I’d already worked through, but motherhood and a global pandemic really showed me something new about myself and the world.

So, I think it’s time I reintroduce myself to the world, now that I know who I am and what I’m here for.

I spend most of my life trying to be all things to all people. I had to be the perfect Christian girl – get good grades, be nice, kind, compassionate. I was smart. I was parentified and turned into a tiny adult at a very young age.

I thought I had done it all very well, but as it turns out, for some people, even that wasn’t enough to live up to their expectations of me.

So, now? Well, in the words of Avril Lavine “What the hell.” 🤷🏼‍♀️

Allow me to reintroduce myself:

I’m Candice. I’m a bundle of anxiety from years of trying to live up to expectations I was never meant to. I never learned how to give grace to myself, but was taught it was only for others. But, I’m working on that now.

I’ve witnessed the American Church’s response to the last several years, and I have a message:
God doesn’t care about your right to life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness.
If you bear the mantle of Christ, your call is to love, protect, and serve. That’s it.

As such, I have no desire to be part of the way the traditional American Church does things any longer. Thank God for a husband whose vision for our church is different than the old way of doing things. We’re going back to the first century way of doing things – a way that lines up with the heart of Christ. Care to join us?

I run a creative education business, and have no desire to return to the workforce in any way that reflects what everyone always expected of me when I was growing up. No regrets. Is it taking forever to build? Sure, but this is what God has put me here for, and I’m ready to step into it fully.

I’m done apologizing or quieting myself down just to appease people who intimidate me or require something more of me. If you’re not God, your voice no longer matters.
I know which people God has led into my life with wisdom and authority, everyone else it’s time I just let them be quiet. White noise.

I have been extremely hurt over the years trying to box myself in to be what everyone wanted – that ends now. I will no longer be trying to be all things to all people. I will finally be accepting that not everyone will like me; not everyone is meant to like me.

I’ve been struggling to find my tribe, my village, my people, and that’s because I’ve been holding myself back. If I want to build community with others, I have to be fully and unashamedly willing to be myself. So, that’s what I’ll be doing starting today.

A few more things about me that may help you decide if I’m your people or if our relationship ends here:

I take a hard pass on the idea that Christians should be more worried about personal freedoms than loving their neighbor.
I don’t think America is God’s country: never were, never will be.
Christmas is as pagan a holiday as Halloween – but since I know where my heart is, I’ll keep enjoying both, thanks.
My value and lovablility isn’t determined by anyone’s acceptance.
My house will never be perfectly clean and organized, but guess what, I’m still an amazing mom.
My kids will eat fast food – still an amazing mom.
I’m chronically ill with things that likely won’t ever go away – I still have value as a person.
I love my family more than words can say, but I’m done being who they wanted me to be. God called me and led me, if others don’t like it, that’s not really my problem, as much as we’ve all tried to make it my problem over the years.
I follow where God leads, even if it looks like foolishness to the rest of the world.
I’m ready to see the American Church turn back to the ACTUAL HEART OF CHRIST and start to do things differently to reach a broken world.
I won’t be a therapist anymore, that’s not where God has me. I’m a ministry leader, creative entrepreneur, and author. As it should be.
My body will never be perfect. I will always be plus size. This is the body I have – built by motherhood, medication, and illness. Take it or leave it.
I love movies, and music, and books, and football, and fall, and the ocean.
I don’t care about how I look because it honestly doesn’t matter – it doesn’t give much merit to who I am as a person.

I struggle with mental health, but God has been working miracles in this area, and I know that we’re on the right track (shout out to amazing, Godly therapists).

I am now deciding not bear the weight of the worlds opinions on my shoulders anymore. It’s to exhausting and it was literally killing me.

So, if you’re still with me, excellent. Stick around for all the creative motherhood, ministry, and business goodness.