Trust in Home

“The best proof of Love is Trust” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

In 2012, I participated in One Word, and the word God laid on my heart for that year was Trust. So, this is not a new topic me.

As a matter of fact, God brings it back to me time & time again.

Because I struggle here…

I have written before about my struggle with depression and anxiety – it’s not exactly a secret battle.

I don’t dive into the depths of it, because it’s so personal for me. Though, depression is not as much of a struggle now, anxiety lurks in my life.

Threatening to conquer my mind.

It’s a battle – one I fear having to share one day.

I wrote last year about a panic attack that snuck up on me in a bookstore – a place I normally feel so at peace (remember, Home is Where the Books Are), and then again at a church event.

Since these two events, there have been others, though much smaller – few & far between (except recent days…).

But, when this is a part of your life, especially as a Christian, it is so hard to let other Christians in to this part of your life. Why?

Because Christians judge mental health issues so harshly.

Since I am holding out for an amazing man after God’s own heart, my head has a hard time reasoning being able to trust him with this side of my life, as I barely even trust my friends here. Only the closest get to see the wounds that accompany times of major anxiety – along with the battle to trust God’s control when everything in my world feels unendingly out of control.

It’s absolutely gut-wrenching to imagine having to tell someone about it, much less have them witness it. And trusting them to stick around once they do? Next to impossible.

But, the funny thing about trust? The more you do it inspite of yourself, the more it grows. The more you trust someone, the greater their opportunity to show you can have trust in them. They get a chance to surprise you – in a good way.

And, another irony of trust: by not trusting, anxiety increases – it’s one more thing to worry about – circular causality and all that.

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will be in torment if you don’t trust enough”
– Frank Crane

But, home? The safety of home is where trust is learned, where trust grows. It’s the place you don’t have to be ashamed of your weaknesses, but can work on them, embracing yourself for who you truly are. It’s the place you can be shown love despite those weaknesses.

It’s where we learn that our Abba truly is strong in our weakness.

One day, I hope to be able to fully trust someone, and hope that when it comes to this area of my life, they don’t break that trust.

But, if they do, I trust that God will restore what is broken.

Because, as Joyce said, trust is the greatest proof of love ♥.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But, he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18

See…I’m learning.