For the past few weeks, I have been assaulted by the enemy’s lie that I have no place to belong in the world. This is unfortunate, considering I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that I am on the path God has placed before me…
I see around me many places I’d like to be, roles I’d like to play, that I can’t seem to fit in. I’m like a square peg trying to force myself into a round world:
I am an odd duck.
I speak almost as properly as I write.
I am a single girl in a paired up world (not only the world at large, but my immediate realm as well…)
I am slow to trust and slow to forgive.
I left a sure thing behind to follow God into the unknown (and most people around me don’t support this).
I dream of being a writer and mentor, speaker and friend, wife and mother, and anything else that tickles my fancy…and I believe I can have it all.
I can at times be socially awkward, and sometimes I can be poised as a swan.
I have a Country girl heart and a City girl mind.
I am an enigma…
I have many weaknesses, which are easier for me to lay bare over my strengths. Perhaps my greatest weakness is the secret Pride that boils within me.
And, all of this has been leaving me feeling alone in a world where most around me know their place and fit in well.
Somethings have been aggravating this issue over the past few days:
Last week I left my job of almost two years to follow what I fully believe is God’s call on my life: to focus on AngelInk Illuminations: writing my books, making my journals, and reflecting Beauty in a Broken world.
Though I did not feel at all at home in that job; it was safe, it was sure. Now, nothing seems safe or sure.
Also, recently, I have been rejecting my walk with my Creator. Not intentionally, mind you, but rejecting none-the less. I have been filling my mind with things that shouldn’t be there, and I’ve been allowing my thoughts to wander to places they shouldn’t be.
This forms a paradox in me: Shame & Detachment.
I have a striking ability to detach from my thoughts, actions, & the world around me. It’s as if I am some ambiguous 3rd party participant in my life.
This leads to double Shame: shame over my actions & thoughts and lack of control; shame over the detachment that lends itself so easily to that lack of control.
This paradox brings another problem: me allowing the shame to be a wall in my relationship with God.
He is the only one who can tell me my place in this world, and in this crucial time, I had been moronically allowing the enemy a foothold that was driving me from God – the giver of my life.
It was crazy and foolish on my part, since with each day I need Him more than ever. My greatest desire is to serve God to the best of my abilities in whatever capacity He calls me to serve.
Luckily, by focusing on my relationship with Him and working on my heart condition, I am finding my way back…Though I still struggle with this eerie feeling of not having a place in this world, I know that I must. If I truly did not have a place or purpose in this world, I would not be here.
I have a place in GOD, and that will translate to every other area of my life.
One thought on “On My Heart: Ramblings in Response to Change”
I am praying as I write: that God would bring you back into a secure, steady,love walk with. That you would not reject him for business of other things. I pray success for your new venture and pray you will find security in that: but most of all that you will know how special you are to God, for he alone gives significance. I pray Satan will not trip you up with guilt and shame and that God would take away any prideful spirit and fill it with a humility that honors him.You are a great person and I so appreciate your honesty. There was no pride in that.